If you saw somebody drowning what would you say?

Haha – nobody ever taught you to swim?
Haha – can’t figure this out on your own?
Haha – you fell in and can’t get out?
Haha – you need help?

I’m assuming you would not… Right? So why then when we see men drowning in toxic masculinity, with their kicking and screaming so similar to a drowning person, do so many people decide they ought to be insulted like so?

The conversation around ‘toxic masculinity’ has gone from well intentioned calling of attention to self destructive behavior to volatile debates (at best) that have burned those good intentions to the ground.

The public discussion is a far cry from productive. If anything the current attitude towards discussing toxic masculinity hurts all parties involved more than ever. We all sort of know that changing somebodies mind comes in a lot of forms; classics such as the Socratic method, educational material, or a series of conversations and interactions spanning multiple conversations are a good start. The path forward is clear; but why does it seem so elusive?

Let’s start from the beginning.

What is ‘toxic masculinity’ and how do we address it?

A question that becomes messy immediately as you try to find out for yourself. One google search throws you into a raging battlefield between warring factions.

So I’ll give 3 definitions; mine and my best interpretation of both sides.

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My Definition

💡 Toxic Masculinity:
A term that refers to the phenomena of how beliefs, character traits, and actions associated with the traditional male gender role undermines men's self perception and ability to accurately assess how to act in daily life. Often resulting in negative outcomes for themselves, others around them, and society as a whole.
Often used in a similar manner to the 'No true Scotsman' fallacy. An informal fallacy in which "one attempts to protect a universal generalization... [in the] form of emotionally charged but nonsubstantive purity platitudes such as true, pure, genuine, authentic, etc." - Wikipeida definition
Also used to convince men to conform to arbitrary standards; aka used as a manipulation tactic to control the behavior of those subject to said phenomena. 

Examples:
"Real men don't cry."
"A real man would have knocked them out for that."
"Gentlemen pay for the first date."
"Men should be dominant in relationships/bed."
"A real man drives X type of vehicle."
"What kind of man can't support their family financially?"

(Keep this in mind for later.)

‘Men’ have to be…

• ‘Tough.’
• Wealthy.
• The witty, smart, charming, charismatic James Bond type.
• Sexually/romantically successful playboy as seen on TV.
• Posses physical traits like facial hair, muscularity, certain body types, hair length, etc.
• Have ‘cool’ hobbies like playing guitar or ride motorcycles or drink whisky neat. You know… cool things.

When a ‘man’ is suffering under the parasite that is TM, a parasite that others have put on him without his consent, it can be easy to take the opportunity to mock them. After all, TM is by definition a set of traits and behaviors that make somebody easy to dislike. Remember that image of a drowning person – thrashing and grabbing – being overly aggressive physically and sexually, pursuing success in its many forms to a fault, a lack of openness to emotions and conversations, actively using the idea of “a man” to dismiss things they don’t understand or like. Thrashing and grabbing.

Which makes it so easy to forget that these men live their lives stricken by fear of having to meet certain standards or else, in their eyes and in their imagined eyes of everyone around them, they are a failure. Nobody will like them. Their friends will leave them. They aren’t worth being around.

So they claw their way towards this standard. Towards the unhealthy ideal of ‘man’ put atop a marble pedestal. And eventually they find themselves far down a seemingly irreversible path with nothing and nobody to help them get out…

Ironically the worst part of all this is that their worst fears are much more likely to become reality as they go down this path. And then we insult them for it. People start to dislike them. Friends start to abandon them. They become people who are not worth being around. They push their friends and family away in the pursuit of being the ‘man’ they were told they were always supposed to be by those who were meant to guide them. By those who failed them.

For lack of better words; they are lost. Drowning in a sea of expectations put upon them from birth through no fault of their own. They pull others under the water in their panic. And, rightfully, people learn to avoid them. A modern tragedy if I’ve ever seen one.

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💡 From here on when I say "we" or "us" I'm referring to anybody actively discussing TM in earnest. Which you are now since you're reading this soooo... welcome to the train wreck! I'm addressing us as a community specifically because the responsibility for this conversation lies with us. We're the ones who steer this ship. We can't let responsibility for this conversation fall into obscurity.

Now for the other definitions. I’ll be using Urban dictionary because I am addressing the common parlance use of the term and conversations around the topic rather than the academic idea or discussion. This is where the issue I’m addressing rears its ugly head.

Faction 1

Thanks, SparklyNinja, that sounds like an accurate depiction of how most people commonly use TM. I’ll take it from here.

This is the first definition you find on Urban Dictionary. I’d say for most people this definition ‘toxic masculinity’ checks out. It does for me. And here you find many people addressing TM in a productive manor.

You need look no farther than Twitter; home of moral discussions for our generation (sadly) to see how people talk about TM.

If you want to rally people behind a cause make if clear they can hurt people in the name of it.

Unknown

#ToxicMasculinity & #MasculinitySoFragile

Keep in mind I’m not attacking anybody who made these tweets. I just want to question how helpful they are being by perpetuating the conversation in this direction.

Ask yourself; who is the audience for these tweets? Is it the men perpetuating TM? Or is it a third party? If so, who is the audience and what do they gain from these tweets? Are these really helping anybody get away from the clutches of TM?

And I understand where these tweets are coming from; you need look no father than the bottom of this page in the post script to see prime examples of TM practically begging to be publicly lashed.

BUT I want to emphasize that this type of behavior will hamstring any progress towards moving men away from TM.

We have to operate outside systemic means because the system, obviously as you already know, is designed to sustain itself. So change will come from outside of the system using tools and means that the system rejects. It can’t ever be violent. Obviously for moral and ethical reasons but also because those techniques and methods don’t work because the system knows how to deal with violence. You’re under arrest, you’re going to prison, we’re going to be violent towards you, state violence is now further legitimized. That’s why the non-violent movement, which of course emerged from, [India] under Gandhi is so ingenious; because it does provide a solution.

– Russel Brand on recent successful farmers protest in India.

You don’t protest the government with violence because you’d be moving into territory where the government is strongest; aka you’re speaking their language.

The same clearly applies specifically to TM. You cannot use the same tactics TM uses to keep men locked into it to pry them away from TM. Insults, peer pressure, “real men” statements, teasing, and verbal violence are tools and means the system of toxic masculinity uses to self perpetuate. Change must come from outside the system using tools and means that the system rejects.

Rhetoric like this is a rot on the foundations of the movement pulling men away from TM. It undermines any and all efforts made. Plain and simple.

Addressing ‘locker room talk’ about TM

Many of us use TM as a blatant insult and way to dismiss or dismantle the men who fall victim to it while attempting to maintain moral high ground. So easy to do with hushed voices or in private places where you can say whatever you’d like without the judging eyes of others or in rooms where everybody wants to make an idiot into a punching bag.

I know because I’ve been doing it mindlessly for years. It’s easy to laugh at mean, toxic, crude people. I’ve heard, and made, many blatant insults lightly covered in the “he’s the problem with TM.” Nothing builds bonds like pointing and laughing at somebody making an ass out of themselves. But certainly, in this case, it doesn’t help very much. I hope I can help others avoid this pitfall in the future. So, as a quick aside, please don’t participate in this to the point you forget that these are real people really drowning in TM. That TM plagues them as much as anybody else. That their relationships and worldview and empathy and future are eroded away by TM. That they are floundering, flailing, thrashing and grabbing hoping for something to hold on to.

Please don’t forget that they are people worth saving.

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Faction 2

If a path to the better there be, it begins with a full look at the worst.

Thomas Hardy

This is the most charitable definition I could find on this side of the isle. This lines up with where most arguments I’ve heard against the idea of TM tend to stand at their heart.

If you, the well meaning and truth seeking individual I am sure you are, want a full view at the most best and brightest arguments put forward by those who reject arguments made in favor of TM I strongly recommend watching ‘The Red Pill Movie.‘ Cassie Jaye, long time feminist writer and documentary filmmaker, does a much better job outlining the arguments of men’s rights groups than I can so I’ll let her material speak for itself.

I hope you really go through all this and sit with it. Jaye is putting out pure gold here and is worth listening to. The Red Pill movie is worth a watch.

This is not a 1 to 1 issue whatsoever but the core of unseen men’s issues runs through the heart of Faction 2. Common sentiments are echoed across the internet.

‘The government would rather send me to die than you. Whether it’s war or dangerous jobs that have to get done. And we, men, are dying for you. For everyone. Men don’t matter. To anybody. Dead soldiers are numbers on paper. Construction workers, truckers, trashmen, all are second class citizens to the masses. When they die on the job nobody bats an eye. We aren’t put in the newspapers – we are expected casualties.‘
‘Fathers are assumed to be worse parents in the eyes of the government by default. Good fathers are denied access to their children, their own lifeblood, because of stereotypes around men.’
‘When men try to speak about our unique problems we are silenced. Sexual assault against men is a joke. Domestic abuse against men is joke. Penis size is the only body shaming we’re still okay joking about.’

The main thrust of faction 2 is that there is a lack of empathy for men in the public sphere and the idea of toxic masculinity is just another weapon firing at them. And they’re not exactly wrong.

There is no denying that there are many human rights issues that disproportionately or uniquely affect men. Paternity fraud uniquely affects men. The United States Selective Service in the case of a draft still uniquely affects men. Workplace deaths: disproportionately men. War deaths: overwhelmingly men. Suicide: overwhelmingly men. Sentencing disparity, life expectancy, child custody, child support, false rape allegations, criminal court bias, boys falling behind in education, homelessness, veterans issues, infant male genital mutilation, lack of parental choice once a child is conceived, lack of resources for male victims of domestic violence, so many issues that are heartbreaking if you are the victim or you love someone who is the victim unto any one of these issues. These are men’s issues. And most people can’t name one because they think, “Well, men have all their rights; they have all the power and privilege.” But these issues deserve to be acknowledged. They deserve care, attention, and motivation for solutions.

Cassie Jaye

To be clear; toxic masculinity is being conflated with unnecessarily aggressive rhetoric towards men. But it’s not a hard conflation to make with the way TM is being weaponized these days. We’re the ones making the idea of TM easy to hand wave by using TM as a weapon.

We will not be able to convince anybody away from TM without acknowledging this viewpoint. There are valid men’s issues that are often conflated with anti-feminist rhetoric. You need look no farther than Jaye’s own experience researching and releasing The Red Pill Movie to find the vitriol thrown at anybody trying to acknowledge this.

Naturally there are bad faith arguments made against the idea of TM and the fight against it. I only mention this because I don’t want people saying I ignore them. I clearly disavow most arguments made against the fight against TM already so I’ll just share some funny ones I found. Personal favorites include:

A conversation derailed

When I was doing some research for this I came across the repurposed #toxicmasculinity and new toxic femininity. There is more vitriol than ever and now it’s been brought to the forefront. To quote myself from earlier because it is worth repeating…

The conversation around ‘toxic masculinity’ has gone from well meant calling of attention to self destructive behavior to volatile debates (at best) that have burned those good intentions to the ground.

The public discussion is a far cry from productive. If anything the current attitude towards discussing toxic masculinity hurts all parties involved more than ever.

Remember how I said this isn’t academic? Tell me if our tweets above resemble anything like this. Take special note of “does not condemn men or male attributes, but rather emphasizes the harmful effects.”

I really wanted to hold back on showing this to exemplify just how far we’ve gone from the original intentions behind talking about TM. This concept is so far from how people actually discuss TM. It can be really frustrating and painful to watch people spit so much hate towards each other and then run behind this definition and act like this is some good faith conversation we’re all having.

This is frustrating because this is a conversation still worth having. The problem of TM isn’t going away any time soon. So if we’re going to attempt to solve it we should calm down for a second and really look at how we’re having these conversations.

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Identifying the enemy

The best revenge is to be unlike those who performed the injury.

Marcus Aurelius

It is easy to tease or berate men who exhibit TM for their behavior. To call them evil or childish and assert that they should be better by now. Hell, it’s fun even.

We get to look down on them and say…

• You deserve to get mocked for acting so sexist/violent/regressive.
• You can’t form healthy connections? Probably because you’re going about it wrong to begin with, obviously.
• You have to make money and be a player? Awwe, that must be so hard for you.
• You think all these silly things will make people like you? Money, sex, cars? Wow, how misguided.

How cruel.

How smug we get to be.

Is that how we are meant to treat drowning people? Do we want to insult people who need our help? Healthy male archetypes have either gone dormant or lost out to TM in recent years. That is not the victims fault. And it will take more than insults to bring them back.

Do we want to further put down people who could better themselves with a nudge in the right direction? The same people, who with a little understanding and patience, we could pull out from the water and save from themselves?

What could convince us to leave the drowning where they are? Is there even the need to argue to bring them back on land where they can breath again? Let them take that nasty parasite off. Let them start fresh and move forward.

The kind of malicious behavior of insulting those who need us most is unacceptable. Despicable even. Especially for the well intentioned individuals trying to leave the world a better place so many of us having this conversation claim to be.

The clear answer is to, without mocking and laughing at those who are drowning, help them. Show them a way out.

And better yet, see ourselves in them. See that we too may also be drowning in our own ways. And hope one day somebody will come along and help us as well. Without insulting or mocking us. Help us out of the waters we all fall into at some point or another.

Maybe one day when you need this same help you will be so lucky as to be brought out of the waters and onto dry land, softly and with care, where you can be free to breath again.

I’m sure if you take a moment you can think of a time you were struggling with something and lashed out at the people closest to you. We’ve all done it. Find that moment and sit in it; perhaps you’ll find it easier to empathize with anybody in the clutches of TM.

Remember people – we are at our best when we are helping each other.

At the end of the day I understand if you’re not going to go out of your way to be kind to people who act this poorly. I just hope you can keep all this in mind and make sure not to further engrain anybody into TM. Thanks for taking the time to listen to my rant – I hope it helps somebody out there some day.

Hoping for healthier conversations around TM

I want to outline that there is still an effort to use TM in its more academic form. Examples below are what I wish to see more of. Actually, I want to see an overwhelming majority of conversations around TM to look more like this. Until the mental image of conversations around TM look like this I fear the conversation will be lost for a long time to the more hate inspired sentiments we’ve seen above.

P.S. I’d like to take this opportunity to call attention to the other victims of toxic masculinity – aka everybody.

I’m not going to act like TM doesn’t cause men (and others) to do terrible, terrible, terrible things. To act irreprehensible in so many ways. I hope I’ve shown to some degree that the best way to rid the world of people like this is to take the first step towards progress by guiding people away from acting like this rather than trying to punish them for it. This isn’t about fairness – it’s about working together to make the world a better place to be.